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Another one bites the dust

A cruel way of saying that I have lost another friend, a person I've known for over thirty-two years. Now, I don't have that many friends and I wonder how many more are going to die before I go?  Do I really want to be the last one? Her husband, a close friend for over thirty-one years, is devastated. Honestly, I have never seen him like this, no will to live, just trying to get from one day to the next. We have been on the phone almost every second day, and talked for around the two hours, sometimes longer, each time.  Because we live four hours apart by car, I do my best to help him through this horrible time. But I have been asking myself if this is really enough? Shouldn't I be there in person? I had told my therapist about my thoughts and the calls, but had never mentioned the lengths. Her eyes were wide open when I told her about the lengths of our calls. She had thought they lasted 15, maybe 30 minutes. So, she was not surprised when I told her that I hadn't slep...

A Journey

  A Journey Today is the 24th of August 2025, and once again, I find myself in a state of uncertainty. Not that this is a constant state, but it seems to visit me often enough. So, here I am, asking myself who I am — or perhaps what I am. I'm a white man in my fifties; of that I am fairly certain. But that's only the surface. Far more important is what lies within. An interior that has made me feel like an outsider for most — no, all — of my life. There were brief moments, such as during my time in the Army, when I didn't feel so alien, but they were fleeting. To be clear, I miss only the camaraderie and, to a lesser extent, the structure the Army provided — mostly the camaraderie. Even though I was fortunate never to see combat, the Army carries a certain aura, one you only truly experience there or in similar professions (police, etc.). There are, however, aspects I certainly do not miss: alcoholism, or the games of war. In 2018, I took four and a half months off work and...