Another one bites the dust

A cruel way of saying that I have lost another friend, a person I've known for over thirty-two years. Now, I don't have that many friends and I wonder how many more are going to die before I go? 

Do I really want to be the last one?

Her husband, a close friend for over thirty-one years, is devastated. Honestly, I have never seen him like this, no will to live, just trying to get from one day to the next. We have been on the phone almost every second day, and talked for around the two hours, sometimes longer, each time. 

Because we live four hours apart by car, I do my best to help him through this horrible time. But I have been asking myself if this is really enough? Shouldn't I be there in person?

I had told my therapist about my thoughts and the calls, but had never mentioned the lengths. Her eyes were wide open when I told her about the lengths of our calls. She had thought they lasted 15, maybe 30 minutes. So, she was not surprised when I told her that I hadn't slept so well on those nights. "If I had this type of conversations, that long and that late, I wouldn't sleep well either", was her reply.

But I'm in a pickle. I want to be there for my friend and I find it very difficult to end a call because I'm maybe tired. The kicker is, that if I did that, end a call before its natural end, I'd feel bad and could also not sleep. Yeah, and the winner is...

What also astounded me was when she said that I already did a lot for him, and this was not normal for people to do. I just replied, that is was normal for me. I guess, I better don't tell her about the calls from a friend of mine that lasted five to six hours each time, but she had other problems.

So, I wonder how other people/friends are helping each other in times like this? I mean when they can't be there in person. Are they really hanging up after half an hour or so, even their friend still needs to talk? What kind of a world are we living in if this is not normal for friends to do? Maybe this is one of the reasons why I hardly find, what I call, good friends?

Why are people so self-involved? Why do they feel the need to copy the behaviour of some wanker politician or “influencer”? Are people really so dumb and blind?

A German comedian once asked why people seem to outsource their thinking? Maybe because it is easier, which it is, but do people really want to give up their free will (whatever that might be) and to think for themselves over comfort? 

I can't speak for others of course, but I NEVER ever want to give this up! 

But back to my friend. She died, way too young (mid-sixties), at the beginning of January, and it took a while for getting to me. Perhaps, it was the distance, possibly because her husband and I are closer, I don't know.

My friend and his family did a wake for her, which I couldn't attend for several reasons, and on that Sunday it was when it finally hit me. It was a mixture of feelings, but I was relieved that it finally got to me. That Sunday I started to write this because it helps me to get things out os my system.

There again while proof-reading this, I got tears in my eyes.

Godspeed my friend, I'll be missing you!